The Good Word

I was approached by a proselytizer and his zombie looking assistant at Borders the other day. He was a middle aged Asian man, wearing a suit and holding a worn, leather bound copy of the Bible. His assistant, a young girl with a blank look, stayed a couple of steps behind him. I don't know if they approached everyone in the store to spread the good word or if I was one of the lucky few. Maybe they saw me as more amenable to things religious, standing in front of the Western Philosophy section with my back to the Religion/Occult area, flipping through Are we spiritual machines?: Ray Kurzweil vs. the critics of strong AI. The spiritual thing probably got them.

The man started out by asking me if I know of the Holy Mother. "The Virgin Mary?" I inquired. Oh no, he replied, in a tone that suggested how silly he thought I was. He proceeded to lead me through a series of complicated calculations that led to the conclusion that Mary was the Holy Grandmother. So I said, ok....

Then he asked whether I was an atheist. I said maybe. He said atheists believed in God but were afraid to admit it, and agnostics were confused. I was prepared for the next question---because for some reason this sort of thing happens to me a lot---which was whether I'd like to do Bible study with him.

The first time I was asked to participate in Bible study, in my junior year of college, I foolishly agreed. Studying the Bible, I thought, how bad could it be? I was taken to a house not far from campus. We were to study Paul's Letter to the Galatians, what I call the "infamous circumcision party letter" (because such unfortunate translations make me snicker and I think there are better things to write letters about). I thought we'd read the thing, talk about it, and come to some mutual understanding.

While the house looked normal from the outside, it was really creepy inside. With bright white walls and a bearded man with an Old Testament name, blazing, gaping eyes, and battle attire. He was introduced as being "in charge." I was led through a maze of corridors to an isolated room in the middle of which was a round table and a couple of chairs. It had a large mirror on one side that made it look like an interrogation room. The guy who took me there asked if I was comfortable. Besides the cult-like atmosphere, I replied, everything was great. Then he asked me to pray. Dude, I thought we were going to study the Bible. Yes, he said, but first we must pray. I stumbled out of the room, found my way past Abraham or Jeremiah or whatever his name was, and escaped back to campus.

All this came flooding back to me, so I said to this man at Borders, no thanks. Then he said, but the Bible is important. Scientists say that the world will end in 2012, and Nostradamus predicted... and so it went. Apparently the Second Coming will take place in Asia, and Christ might return as Chinese (Taiwan or the People's Republic?). The Bible seems contradictory, but that's only because we look at it materialistically (like capitalists or like physicalists?).

We have to be saved, said the man. But why? Jesus really cares about us, he replied. He sacrificed himself for our sins. Dude, Jesus is dead. We live in our own filth in an ocean of air on a little rock in the corner of some out of the way galaxy. No one cares about us, not even us. Secondly, if Jesus sacrificed himself for our sins, then we're saved already. If we're not saved already, then he died in vain, sir.

With great sadness in his eyes, he said, no. We're aliens. We're not from here. Bewildered, I thought to enlighten the man, and started scanning the shelves for Dan Dennett's Breaking the spell: Religion as a Natural Phenomenon. When it couldn't be found (Borders sucks), I looked for Richard Dawkin's The God Delusion, but it wasn't to be found either.

Sensing my loss of interest, the man handed me his card and again invited me to Bible study. He asked for my name and phone number. I regret not knowing my old boss' number offhand, so I said I didn't have a phone. At such times my cell phone usually rings, but I had it on vibrate. He shook my hand and went with his assistant to find the next potential convert.

The religious meme seems to be evolving. Does the Holy Mother reflect the effect of the idea of gender equality? The alien and Nostradamus stuff seems like an interesting update. An Asian Jesus makes more sense with the word's demographics. My favorite is the scientists say the world will end in 2012 part. Well if you say scientists say it, it must be true!

The use of a silent assistant is an old adaptation. (Have religious solicitors ever come to your door by themselves, or aren't they always in groups?) This person seems like she's not doing anything. But her silent, slightly judging presence does a lot of work. Think of how much easier it is to dismiss a salesman when he's by himself. With another person present, it's almost instinctual to be more polite. The wonders of gregarious living.

Hey Ray Kurweil, when machines have the computing power of the brain, will they devote much of their resources to spreading memes too?